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OK, so you put the kids to bed and you are sitting in the dark watching Blue Collar Comedy because obviously you have no life.
It's about 10:30 at night which is really late for you to be up.
Someone pulls in the yard and you ignore it. Probably some lost drunk.
The phone rings and it's your sister in law.
"I'm in the shanty, Grampy's boiling sap, get your but down here!'
"nah", you reply and hang up.
You sit there, Larry the Cable Guy says goodnight.
The phone rings again, "For God's sake, get your but down here, we have home made cider'.
"Nah" you answer.
You sit there in your bathrobe.
It's raining out.
The late news comes on.
You can't stand it any longer.
You get your rubber barn boots on and throw on a coat over your bathrobe.
The shanty smells so good, like maple.
"We knew you would come down".
"yeah," you reply.
They hand you a bottle of home made hard cider.
They hand you a cigarette, you light it with the fire from the sap boiler.
Grampy entertains everyone with his stories. He uses the word Jesus about 20 times and the term "it's over", another 30.
It is good to be home with my redneck family.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so your kids get off the bus and you chug down a cup of coffee so you have enough energy to listen to their stories of the day.
"Mom, we learned about drugs today".
"That's nice", you reply, "don't ever do drugs".
"Oh Mom, why do you do drugs?"
You stand there for a minute trying to think what in the heck your kids are trying to get at. The only drugs you can remember doing in the past 15 years are aspirin and cold medicine.
"Oh Mom, caffeine is a drug, so that coffee is bad for you."
"Oh really?" you reply filling up the coffee filter for the fourth time today.
"And cigarettes are drugs".
"Oh really", you reply looking at the pack of Senecas sitting on top of the coffee filters.
"Oh yeah Mom, and you are not supposed to drink beer".
"I drink wine", you answer.
"Same thing Mom".
The kids run to watch TV.
You look for the telephone book so you can call Drug and Alcohol Rehab.
You can't find the phonebook.
You light up a cigarette, pour yourself another cup of coffee and try to gather up the wine bottles because garbage day is tomarrow.
Maybe I will call tomarrow.
Maybe I won't.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so you get the flu and all you want to do is lay in bed.
Your kids instantly turn handicapped.
All you want to do is lay there covered in a warm blanket.
No one can find the cupboards.
No one can find the toilet paper stash.
No one can figure out how to put in a DVD.
You call Karen to grab a loaf of bread on her way home from work.
She is sicker than you are.
Your significant other gets home from work.
For some crazy reason he can't remember where anything is either.
You lay there hoping to God you don't pass on before they do.
Or maybe not?
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so you are in Virginia and you need to find something "touristy" to do with the kids. It is 70 degrees out. You have just come from New York where is was 10 degrees when you left the house.
"Let's do one of those Civil War trails", I pipe up.
"OK, Civil War trail it is", replies my step son.
The next day we all head out for the trail. We have winter boots on and long sleeve shirts, it is 70 degrees out. I forgot my hair gel when I packed so I look like Ursula the sea witch.
We get to the trail and it show pictures of dead people on the map and cannons. The kids think that is what will be on the trail. You know better, but lie to the kids anyway. No one sees the sign that says "This trail will take 60 minutes to walk".
Now whoever wrote that sign was an Olympic athlete with no kids.
We head out on the trail. At first it's fun. It gets hotter and hotter and there are no cannons and dead bodies laying in the woods like the picture showed.
"This sucks", you hear from one of the kids.
"Oh hang in there, I am sure there is a cannon right around the corner".
You try not to act like you are melting, you catch one of the kids dragging your camera in the dirt because they can't carry it anymore.
The trail ends and there is not a drinking fountain anywhere in sight. Hell with water, you need a bottle of wine.
You try to still act like it was a blast and the kids can go and tell their teachers that they actually walked on a Civil War trail.
They couldn't give a rat's ass.
You climb in the fron of the van and your step son pulls out of the parking lot.
You both whisper under your breathe at the same time "Next time, Ixnay on the Civil War trail".
You try not to laugh.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so your significant other tells you he has 3 days off and wants to go on a vacation.
You haven't been on a vacation since Nixon was in office.
Your mind runs wild with ideas.
You picture yourself renting a convertible, buying a set of sunglasses and a fancy scarf and driving to the Grand Canyon like Thelma and Louise.
You picture yourself drinking wine from fancy glasses and smoking those fancy cigarettes with white gloves.
You look up from your dream and you can hear Tim saying "We have to take the kids".
Your mind goes from Thelma to Chevy Chase immediately.
Now the reality sets in. You have to take the kids.
"Sounds like fun", you mumble under your breath.
OK, here are the things I learned on the trip.
1. Don't take kids.
2. Renting minivans is very expensive.
3. Virginia is a long ways from New York.
4. When you return a rental car you have to have it clean, chocolate is very hard to get out of white seats.
5. You need the same amount of days off to re-cooperate from a vaction, three days vacation, three days laying in bed.
6. No one unpacks or cares less about their crap in their suitcases once you return home.
7. When renting a GPS system, get one with loud volume as you will not be able to hear the man talking over your kids screaming in the back.
8. It takes more than 30 seconds to show a 45 year old woman how to turn on the radio, run the heater, and open up the back hatch on a new car.
Talk later,
Annie
