Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Boiling sap

OK, so you put the kids to bed and you are sitting in the dark watching Blue Collar Comedy because obviously you have no life.

It's about 10:30 at night which is really late for you to be up.

Someone pulls in the yard and you ignore it.  Probably some lost drunk.

The phone rings and it's your sister in law.

"I'm in the shanty, Grampy's boiling sap, get  your but down here!'

"nah", you reply and hang up.

You sit there, Larry the Cable Guy says goodnight.

The phone rings again, "For God's sake, get your but down here, we have home made cider'.

"Nah" you answer.

You sit there in your bathrobe.

It's raining out.

The late news comes on.

You can't stand it any longer.

You get your rubber barn boots on and throw on a coat over your bathrobe.

The shanty smells so good, like maple.

"We knew you would come down".

"yeah," you reply.

They hand you a bottle of home made hard cider.

They hand you a cigarette, you light it with the fire from the sap boiler.

Grampy entertains everyone with his stories. He uses the word Jesus about 20 times and the term "it's over", another 30.

It is good to be home with my redneck family.

Talk later,


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Drug and Alcohol Rehab

OK, so your kids get off the bus and you chug down a cup of coffee so you have enough energy to listen to their stories of the day.

"Mom, we learned about drugs today".

"That's nice", you reply, "don't ever do drugs".

"Oh Mom, why do you do drugs?"

You stand there for a minute trying to think what in the heck your kids are trying to get at.  The only drugs you can remember doing in the past 15 years are aspirin and cold medicine.

"Oh Mom, caffeine is a drug, so that coffee is bad for you."

"Oh really?" you reply filling up the coffee filter for the fourth time today.

"And cigarettes are drugs".

"Oh really", you reply looking at the pack of Senecas sitting on top of the coffee filters.

"Oh yeah Mom, and you are not supposed to drink beer".

"I drink wine", you answer.

"Same thing Mom".

The kids run to watch TV.

You look for the telephone book so you can call Drug and Alcohol Rehab.

You can't find the phonebook.

You light up a cigarette, pour yourself another cup of coffee and try to gather up the wine bottles because garbage day is tomarrow.

Maybe I will call tomarrow.

Maybe I won't.

Talk later,