Monday, November 30, 2009
Who in the hell invented the Bratz doll? I mean come on, a doll that looks like a hooker and the feet come off? You have got to be kidding me. This family owns about 100 of them, none of which have any feet that match.
I am sure their feet are in the canister of my vacuum cleaner but who the hell wants to look for them in there?
What ever happened to toys like The Gumby doll. He had all his parts and all he did was just bend. That's all he had to do:Bend.
It's a new world out there I tell ya!
Well it's Monday and I am once again running late. I don't want to lose my viewers so I will post something fun til I can get back on here!! This is my daughter Loretta with the real Santa. Her sister wants to know how she has a short sleeve shirt on if she really was at the North pole?
click on her photo and check it out, I am telling ya, that's the real Santa!!, the big guy!! this guy is straight out of "Miracle on 34th Street", unreal. SO COOL.
Magic I guess.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Contrary to Internet rumors, the first tumble dryer was not invented by American George T. Sampson. A hand-cranked version was created in 1799 by a Frenchman named Pochon. Sampson's United States patent (number 476,416), which he received on June 7, 1892, was for an improved rack for holding wet clothes near a heat source. Electric tumble dryers appeared in the 20th century.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Maybe she should have payed more attention in school and less time in the bathroom smoking cigarettes.
If you ever want to do something to someone you really HATE just throw a box of freaking packing peanuts in their living room when they are gone.
If I was in charge of the military we would just fill missiles with packing peanuts, that would be enough to drive any country absolutely out of their minds. Toss them out in the streets, people will willingly "give up"or turn their own guns on themselves, I guarantee it.
For the record it was Ben Franklin.
I just got a call from the "Farmer's wife illiteracy volunteer organization of America" they think I need tutoring. Seems the illigal mexicans know more about our history than I do.
I am going to Goodwill today to buy a set of encyclopedias. I am hoping that if I put them on a shelf here at the house, they will make me think I am smart.
(aka the dumbest person on earth)
Janet called me yesterday. She is working on an awesome project. She is writing articles for E-how. She is an awesome writer. She called and asked me "Do you think I should do it"
"Hell yeah". was my reply. "What have ya got to lose!".
How many times in your life have you wanted to do something and talked yourself out of it? I have talked myself right out of alot of really cool things that I wish now I would have done.
The next time you are contemplating doing something different, just DO IT. I don't mean stuff like muffling your husband with a pillow cause he won't do the dishes, no not that kind of crap.
I had no idea how to write a blog but Janet kept pushing me and here I am, can't spell worth a darn anymore and don't have any idea what the hell to do with quotation marks, but here I am.
I got my tubes "untied", everyone told me "what if it doesn't work?"
I had 4 more kids.
I sold Tupperware for 2 years. Everyone told me "what if you don't sell any of it?"
I was in the top 10 sellers in my unit for 1 year straight.
What is Sonny Bono never got up the nerve to ask Cher out?
What is President Lincoln never freed the slaves?
What if Thomas Edison never bought a kite?
The next time you want to do something different, think about it, don't think yourself right out of it, and just do it.
So the hell what if it doesn't work.
Do you think Hillary Clinton is crying because she didn't win the presidency? she is counting all her money from other projects. Lots of it too.
Ok. I gotta go milk the cows.
Just do it!!
Friday, November 27, 2009
I let other people buy the crap new, then I wait until the next summer and buy it at their garage sales for pennies on a dollar.
Who is the dummy?
You never see me waiting in line a to buy a TV from Walmart, I wait until some idiot gets a divorce, then I buy it off Craigslist for almost nothing. Works out great. No line, no stress, easy, real easy.
rule of thumb: take cash, money talks, bullshit walks, be nice, and ask "What else are you selling?". I get some great deals this way.
If they say "damn wife ran off", left me with all this crap" you are golden.
Golden!! i tell ya.
P.S. let me know if you find a dryer
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I spent all day cleaning the house yesterday, Tim's dad was coming to bring me a hot water tank. Well, maybe not all day, maybe like 30 minutes, seemed like all day. I managed to cram all my crap in the closets and close my bedroom door where i tossed all my laundry. Ok I sort of cleaned the house.
I milked the cows last night and got in about 8. A package had come in the mail. I ordered a used bread machine. I made the mistake of leaving the box in the living room. It was full of those horrible little packing peanuts HORRIBLE things they are.
My sweet little Izzy had found them and tossed them all over the living room, she said she wanted Santa to think it was "snow".
All I could think about was the old Cat in the Hat cartoon where the cat comes and destroys the house. The cat then picks up the house like 2 seconds before the parents get home.
Izzy must have forgotten about the picking up part.
OK I want to wish everyone a great Thanksgiving!!!!
Please drive safe, eat alot of food, and be thankful for all you have. It has been a bad year all over this Country and I think we all have alot to be thankful for.
We have each other.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Hopefully my sister will have lots of beer there and I won't be able to type.
I sat there in silence.
"Izzy I have no idea?"
I then gave her this explanation.
"Izzy, many years ago, Columbus and his brother Macey set out to find the new world. They were very competitive. After many months of sailing they got in a fight and split up. Macey bought a new ship, it was much nicer than his brother's, I think it was pink. Columbus landed on Plymouth Rock because he was stupid. Macey landed in New York City with his pink ship and started a store. He then sewed together the first giant balloon, tied some baling twine on it, and filled it with hot air. He got some locals to have a parade in his honor. It just happened to be about the time his stupid brother was having Thanksgiving, half starving to death with a bunch of crazy Indians.
Every year he would have a parade to honor landing in New York and as the parades got bigger they had to hire movie stars to sit in fancy cars and be on TV to show you the parades.
"Wow Mommy, you are so smart".
All of the sudden she yells "Crap, hang on: the water in my sink in the laundry room is running over. I waited on the other end for a few minutes in silence. I am used to this as so is she. We both wait in silence alot. Many emergencys can happen when you have kids, birds, cows, husbands etc.
"I'm back" she says "Darn water, I forgot to turn it off, overflowed the sink again".
"It's hell to get old isn't it?"
"very funny she replied".
"I haven't done that in years" I replied. Really sucks, now you have to use every clean towel in the house to clean up the mess.
I haven't overflowed a sink in a while so I was feeling pretty good about myself.
The next day I went to the barn to start my milking chores. We have 2 great big sinks out there, they are awesome. I fill the one in the milkhouse with hot water to wash calf pails and one in the bathroom to wash "people" stuff like coffee cups etc. I always turn them both on, turn on my milking equipment, and turn them off when they are filled.
I turned off the one in the milkhouse and went to get the cows for milking. After about 15 minutes I returned and had to walk through the milkhouse to turn on the milker pump and all I could see was steam. Where in the hell was that coming from? I couldn't even see my hands, looked like a sauna. I've never been in a sauna, but I am sure that's what it looks like.
I made my way to the bathroom and opened up the door, the darn water was overflowing the sink and running down the little drain on the floor.
I turned it off and muttered under my breath "Darn Janet, got me again!"
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I saw a mouse on the floor when i turned on the lights this morning and it made me think of something that happened a few years ago. I couldn't stop thinking of it. I kept laughing all the way through chores today. I just have to tell this one and get it out of my system.
A couple of years ago we rented a farm in Schuyler County New York. We lived there 2 years.
There is nothing to do in Schuyler County except milk cows and drink beer.
Tim's sister came to live with us for one of the years.
I milked cows.
She drank beer.
One night I had the milking off. Amy and I were doing what we usually did on my night off. Drinking beer.
The phone rang, it was Tim.
"Can you run over to John's and get some penicillan?, I need it tonight, got a real sick cow"
"yeah i guess, was my reply I will have Jill watch the kids and Amy and I will run over to John's farm and get a bottle".
Amy's daughter Jill also lived with us. We grabbed our coats and bolted for the door.
"Gotta go Jill, be back in a few minutes!!".
We gave her no time to answer. We just drove out of the driveway as fast as we could.
We drove the back way all the way to John's. It was only about a 10 minute drive.
"You gotta stop and get some more beer" Amy said to me.
"I can't, I don't want to get pulled over".
"Crap" was her reply.
When we got to the farm, we went in the office where the medicine is kept. I grabbed a bottle of the penicillan, left some money in a jar with a note.
"Come on let's go" I said.
"Hang on!!" was her reply, I have an idea!!!"
"What is this note all about?"
"It's a note from John to his hired Mexicans, Why?"
"Annie, it says "In case of an emergency, call me and the phone number was on the note. It was a big piece of paper stuck on a door with some duct tape. It also said "ONLY CALL IF IT IS AN EMERGENCY!!!"
"Who's phone number is that anyway?"
"John's, why?" I replied trying to get the hell out of there.
"Hold on Annie, let me think about this, if we have an emergency, we can call John, right?"
"Yeah, Amy sure. It has to be a real emergency, Amy, his wife is weird. She's really jealous, hates when he has to come to the barn on his day off".
I was still trying to get the hell out of there.
"Hang on Annie, not so fast: we do have a REAL emergency!"
WE ARE OUT OF BEER!!!!
she screamed it in my ear.
She picked up the phone and dialed the number, I was still trying to get out of there.
"Hey is this John?"
"yes who is this?"
"Anne doesn't have any friends"
"Yes she does and I am her only friend"
"What do you need? and why are you calling me, it better be important, I have company".
"You have an emergency over at your barn Sir!"
"What kind of an emergency?"
Amy sat silent for a moment, thinking.
"Well.......there is a rat in your milking parlor and the Mexicans are afraid of it, hurry quickly and bring some cheese with you!!!"
It was all I could do to not pee my pants. I sat down.
"Now come on lady, is there really a rat in the parlor?"
"Hey man, I don't even know you, but all I can see is that no cows are getting milked and the Jose has climbed up the pipeline in total fear, It's a HUGE rat.!!!"
"There better be a rat, I am coming over".
I sat there still trying not to pee my pants.
John walked in the milking parlor, Amy followed him in trying not to stagger , he was dressed in tan pants rolled up with his rubber boots on . Not his usual blue jeans.
He walked out of the parlor and he looked real mad. "Jose is milking and I don't see a rat anywhere!"
"Oh, I took care of it John, she said, poked it in the head with a pitchfork, I took care of that situation." "But now we have another emergency, we are out of beer sir and wanted to know if you could drive to Watkins Glen and get us some."
You could see his face getting redder and redder.
I was still trying not to pee my pants.
"you mean you called me up and lied about a rat to get me to buy beer for you?"
"Are you calling me a liar, Sir?" "See if I ever help you out again".
"He started to laugh. "I hate my wife's family anyway, I can go get some beer for you idiots if you promise to stay out of trouble for the rest of the night".
"Sure thing Sir!"
He came back with the beer, drank 3 of them with us and we happily drove off.
Every time I see a mouse I think of her and that emergency.
Monday, November 23, 2009
It's official, I need a new dryer. The noise it is making now is just awful. Sounds like the noise that one of those trains makes in the old westerns when the cowboys try to "rob" the train. You know,when they yell "stop the train!!" and the conductor pulls that secret lever and you hear that awful skreeching noise. That's the noise.
My dryer is in the kitchen. I like it there because it reminds me that I have 300 loads to do a day and I can keep a steady flow going.
It is affecting my hearing.
Yesterday Janet called. She found a great website on the internet and had to share it with me.
Of course my dryer was running when the phone rang.
"Annie, I found a new website for ya, it's called Lulu".
"Hulu?", I replied.
"LULU!!!!!" "Hulu is the TV stuff.
she spelled it out.
"Oh Lulu, like Lulu Roman from Heehaw. O.K. Janet I gotta go thanks.
About an hour later my girlfriend stoppped over and brought me a pile of sewing she had done for me. She does my mending. She's an excellent seamstress. I was doing the dishes and the dryer was still on.
She opened the door, put the sewing on the couch and hollered to me.
"Do ya have any more sewing?"
I yelled back "Good".
she just stood there for a minute.
"I said, do you have any more sewing?"
"I am doing good I yelled back".
She walked in and turned off the dryer.
I said "Do you have any sewing, not how are you doing. Anne, you really need to replace that dryer it is affecting your life".
Another hour later the kids got back from church. I was sitting at the computer trying to post on this blog. I was trying hard to concentrate.
My little Isabelle who is 4 ran in the door. The dryer was still on of course.
"Mom do you have any Copenhagen?"
"It's in the fridge".
She ran to the fridge and stood there with a puzzled look on her face. She walked back. Yelling to me and waving a piece of paper "Mom do you have any Copenhagen?". I didn't look up, I really wanted to finish the article while it was fresh in my mind. She must have run into Tim on the way to the house and he probably asked her to get him a can of Copenhagen.
She walked over to the dryer and opened up the door to turn it off.
"Mom, listen to me: we made Cornicopias in church today, you know the food thingy. She was holding a gorgeous picture of a cornicopia for Thanksgiving.
Today I will look in Craigslist for a dryer.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I shut the door and let them have their fun.
Back in the 70's when I was growing up my bestest friend had a Easy Bake oven. This was just about the neatest toy you could get back then. It simply looked like a little oven and ran off a light bulb. It would actually bake little cakes.
I don't know how many houses were burned to the ground due to these little contraptions.
It was awesome I tell ya!!
Grace's mom worked and her Dad was in charge of us. Her Dad was 100 years old and watching us really wasn't his favorite pastime. All I can remember him saying to us was "You two little idiots stay out of trouble".
That is all I remember him ever saying to us. Well ,maybe a few times he did say "your mother will be home any minute, now get this damn mess cleaned up".
May he rest in peace, I loved that old guy. I really did.
As soon as her mom would leave the driveway we would try to find crap to get into. I loved to make those crackers. I also loved Bill Cosby. Grace's sister had moved out and left behind a Bill Cosby record album, yeah the old black round things that look like frisbies.
Grace would get the little oven out and get the crackers and butter out of the kitchen. I would rip the sheet off her mom's bed and get her Dad's flashlight. We would melt butter on the crackers and listen to Bill Cosby's Chicken heart. When you are 6 years old it's scary as hell. I mean scary. She would put the record on and I would quickly turn off the lights and turn on the flashlight. We would try to scare the crap out of each other listening to that old record.
We didn't have computers, gameboys,vcrs, blah blah blah.
We had to use our imaginations.
It was fun. Really fun.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I have friends that live in Colorado and I have had the wonderful opportunity to visit with them on two occasions. They run a large beef ranch there and on one of the visits I got to actually ride a horse and "herd" the cows. Yeah, just like in "City Slickers". It was awesome.
The following is a recipe I stole from one of the parties we went to. I renamed it "Cowgirl stew" changing it's original name of "Cowboy stew".
The recipe is as follows:
Things you will need:
1 Willie Nelson's greatest hits tape with "My heroes have always been cowboys" on it.
The movie "City Slickers".
1-6 pack of Corona beer (it's a little pricey, but worth every drop).
ingredients: some hamburger
a can of baked beans any kind will do
1- good looking cowboy (you can find these at rodeos if you look very hard).
put in the Willie Nelson tape, open a bottle of the Corona. Drink it.
brown the hamburger with the bacon, drain the grease, add the baked beans and about 3 tablespoons of brown sugar and a couple shakes of ketchup. Cover, let simmer. I throw it all in a crockpot and just put it on low.
Open up another bottle of Corona. Drink it.
Have the good looking cowboy put the tape in the VCR.
Open another bottle of Corona. Drink it.
This is good served with beer bread.
Place the bread on the plate and dump some of the stew on the top.
Eat this on the couch with your good looking cowboy.
Open up another Corona. Drink It.
Enjoy the rest of the movie.
What you do with the rest of the night is totally up to you.
It's official, Oprah is going to stop doing her shows.
I need to get a letter out to her so I can be on her show before she goes off the air for good. Word on the street says she's gonna run for President. Why the hell not? I don't think she can do any worse of a job than what's going on now.
I am feveriously working on a letter to her. I will post it soon. Gotta try to sound professional you know. Keep the swear words to a dull roar.
Crap : this may take a few days.
I told her I was writing about my rumballs and she told me I could use bourbon to make them. Then she pointed to a sign hanging over the grill. It lists the specials of the day.
It read "Chocolate chip cookies made with Ernie's nuts".
"What in the hell is that all about?" I said trying not to pee my pants laughing.
"Oh, Anne you have to make your bourbon balls with Ernie's nuts!!""Oh my God Nicky, you have lost it girl!", I replied.
So I thought for a minute hmmm OK I can play this game.
Ernie is one of the truck drivers who hauls cattle, he has a black walnut tree at his house and brings boxes of the ugly things to the auction barn to sell.
"O.K. Nicky, how big are Ernie's nuts?"
"Oh, Anne, they are real big, very nice size".
"What color are they?"
"How much do they cost?"
"Usually they sell for around a buck fifty a box"
"Does his wife mind?"
"must be not"
"how do you crack them?"
"By hand Anne".
This went on for about 3 minute. I had tears running down my eyes.
You can find humor in the strangest places, just look for it--it's all around you.
Friday, November 20, 2009
3 cups flour
3 tablespoons sugar 1 can beer
turn oven on 375
mix the crap together
bake 1 hr
its that easy i am tellin' ya!!!
If you get a 30 pack, that will make about 10 loaves given that you keep some of the beer for yourself.
I went to buy some beer yesterday morning at 7:45 and they wouldn't let me buy it, seems New York has a drunk person law. You can't get drunk before 8 in the morning. Who in the hell made that law? Sometimes you really wonder "who" makes these pitiful laws.
what if some little old lady was out of beer to make beer bread for her family and wanted to make it in the morning before they got out of bed?
I mean how dumb is that.
I grabbed 2- 30 packs this time. I will show them!!!
Try it, I guarantee you will love this bread!!
talk later, Annie
Thursday, November 19, 2009
When you write a blog it's weird. Real weird. You wonder if anyone is even reading it.
Now I know how Horton the elephant felt. Remember when all those little people on the dust speck were trying to be heard and had no idea if they were? That's sort of what it feels like. "We are here , we are here".
I was writing a story on here the other day wondering if anyone is even reading this crap and I looked at the sidebar and saw someone had actually left a comment.
Holy crap, someone actually read this.
So I wrote another story.
I got an email yesterday from a friend who said she really did put a bottle of rum in the bottom of the garbage over the weekend.
If you could, throw me a comment once in a while so I know someone is actually out there, makes me feel like I am not talking to myself, although I do that alot.
OK: I am looking for that beer bread recipe. Being the most unorganized person in America I am having a hard time finding it, I promise I will have it today at some point.
In the meantime you can still work on drinking the beer.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Directions to make rumballs:
First go the the liquor store and buy a large bottle of rum. You can use any kind really. I like Captain Morgans spiced rum. You only need 1/4 cup for the recipe, the rest is for you.
stop at the store and get the following:graham crackers, cocoa, confectioner's sugar,salt, walnuts,honey, and of course some cheap cola and some coconut.
First go to the cupboard and get yourself a plastic cup, a large one. Fill the cup 1/4 full with the rum and the rest of the way with the pop, this is for you. Place it on the counter behind your other ingredients, no one will know you are drinking. Works like a charm
take 2 cups of the graham crackers and add 2 tablespoons cocoa, 1 cup confectioner's sugar, 1/8 tsp salt, 1 cup walnuts chopped fine, mix this together.
combine 1 and 1/2 tsp honey with 1/4 cup rum. You can also use brandy if you have downed all the rum already. Mix this crap all together with your hands, roll in coconut and throw in the fridge. If you don't have any honey, maple syrup will work. The cheapie stuff is fine.
Pour more pop in the glass and add 2 fingers of the rum to it again. My fingers are larger than the ordinary fingers from milking cows all those years, doesn't matter, just fill that plastic cup up once again.
Store these in a plastic container, they keep forever.
Open up your cupboards and try to find the tupperware container you got for a gift for your wedding 20 years and store these babies indefinately.
Pour yourself another drink.
Do the dishes, put the crap away. Pour yourself another drink.
Hide the bottle in the bottom of the garbage so your husband doesn't see that you have downed a whole bottle of rum in one day.
Holiday hint: these are very good served with a pack of Marlboro cigarettes.
that's it, very easy no oven required, so if your electricity gets turned off you can still make rumballs.
Tomarrow I will teach you my recipe for beer bread , it is awesome. On the way home from work, go and buy a 30 pack today so I can show you that one. You will need 1 can of beer for each loaf. I can usually get 10 loaves of bread from a 30 pack.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
"Hmmm, wonder what they're looking for?" I said. I totally knew, but just wanted to make conversation. Any excuse to talk.
"Deer" replied Tim.
"Maybe they're looking for naked people"
"Oh, Anne where do you get your weird ideas?"
He went off to bed, I laughed under my breath.
We have a bathroom in our barn with a shower so when you are done milking the cows you can take a shower, it's nice to come to the house clean. I usually being my clean clothes down. Well, one day last week, I forgot them.
Instead of running back to the barn, I just decided to take a shower anyway. I dried off with my sweatshirt turned inside out. I certainly didn't want to put my old clothes back on that were covered in cow manure.
"Can I do it?" I thought.
hmmmmmm yeah what the hell just do it.
I grabbed my laundry basket with dirty washclothes in it that I use to wash the cows udders and headed towards the house. Totally naked. Let me tell you 45 degrees with clothes ON is alot warmer than 45 degrees with clothes OFF.
About half way up the driveway thoughts started to go thru my mind. "What if someone actually shows up here? I know it's late, but what if?"
"What if the boys are spotlighting for deer?"
I walked faster.
I made it to the house.
I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. It's really cold in November in Ashville, really cold.
I got in the house, put on my clothes and wondered what in the world would those boys think if they saw me walking naked with clothes in a basket? Maybe they would call the nut house and have me committed, probably put me on the front page of the local newspaper "Farm woman gone crazy over low milk prices, found wandering naked in her driveway. Photos at 10:00".
Monday, November 16, 2009
I have applied for my raw milk permit. It is just a bunch of paperwork so I can legally sell raw milk here from the farm!!
I will keep you all updated on my progress, I am very excited about this.
I can cut out the middle man and sell some of this great stuff right to the consumer!!
My family has been drinking it as long as we have had cows which is forever. I feel that my kids are the best "poster children" for my product. They are the healthiest kids you could ever want to meet.
We have to try to get back to the way things "used to be". Food in it's original form is good for us. I think there will be alot of people trying to get back to the "land".
I have a goal for next year to get these chickens to actually lay eggs and get this raw milk thing on it's feet.
If I can get up the courage, I want to clean out my garage and make it into a sort of "retail" shop where people can come and buy eggs, pork, beef and of course raw milk. I know there is a garage out there I just need to find it.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A couple of years ago I lost a good friend. He was very young, around 17 I think. He died very suddenly from a brain anurisom. I took it pretty hard. He helped on the farm and was always with us.
I moped around for a week or so until one day one of the old farmers from up the road stopped over.
"How long are ya gonna mope around here?" he said to me.
"probably forever" was my reply.
"Come over here Annie I have something to say to you".
Crap, I was too busy feeling sorry for myself for one of those "old guy "speeches.
"I hate to tell you this Missy, but you are going about this all wrong. Why are you so sad? You should be happy. Just think about it this way, he is up in heaven looking down on all of us just laughing. He isn't feeding these stupid calves any more and he doesn't have to stay up all night milking cows. He is probably up there drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. It's time for you to snap out of it girlie. You should be mad not sad. You are still here and you have to feed these calves and milk the cows now."
He drove off.
I sat there for a minute and thought about what he said.
Crap that old fart was right!
I finished feeding my calves, went to the house, drank a beer and smoked the last cigarette that was left in the pack he had left behind.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
"My dad died yesterday" was her opening line.
"Crap, I'm so sorry".
I loved that old guy. I love all old people. Her dad was a neat guy. I remember going to a party at her house one day and talking with him alone on the porch. I asked him what he thought was the secret to life. Surely he must know .
"Cheap cigarettes, whiskey and Heinz 57 ketchup" was his reply.
I sat there in silence for a minute thinking to myself "what in the hell is he talking about?"
"I have smoked cheap cigarettes all my life Annie and they never did me no harm. A little whiskey never hurt anyone and when you are cooking and can't quite figure out what to put in your concoction , add Heinz 57 ketchup, it's full of spices, bet you didn't know that did ya?"
"No Sir, I didn't".
All these years I have never forgot those words , wise words from a wise old man. A man who had seen alot of change in his lifetime, a man who had worked hard to suppport his family. A man who had his own restaurant for years. A man of Polish decent.
I will miss the "old guy".
See ya later father!!
Do widzenia. (Goodbye)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The other day my girlfriend called and I could hardly hear what she was saying to me on the other end of the phone.
"What in the hell is that noise in the background?" she said
"My dryer, why?"
"My God Anne, it's loud enough to wake the dead.
We never fix anything here so the little squeak in my dryer has now become a full blown Grinding EEEEEEKKKKKKK. Sounds like they are grinding old cars up for recycle.
I hung up the phone and tried to picture my dryer waking up the dead. Maybe I could take my dryer to Lillydale and plug it in and "wake the dead" there and make some money. They charge alot of money to talk to the dead there, I could cut out the middle man and do it myself.
I tried to imagine a ghost showing up at the door , kinda like the scene in Scrooge where Jacob Marley shows up in a cranky mood with chains wrapped around him. What would this ghost say to me?
"I have come from the depths hell to let you know YOUR FREAKING DRYER IS TOO LOUD!!"
chains shaking, loud moaning, screaming in the background from all the other "dead " people I have woken up.
I snapped out of my daydream trying not to laugh out loud and turned on "Old screechy".
Talk soon, Annie
Monday, November 9, 2009
I don't understand the thinking behind the things they won't do.
Contrary to popular belief, if you stick your hands in the sink and do the dishes, you won't turn "gay".
If you hold your wife's purse while she goes to the bathroom in one of those awful port a potties, you won't be thought of as a "cross dresser".
If you ask directions when you are lost, they won't think you just escaped from Attica and are on "the lamb".
Last but not least :::::: If you buy Kotex pads or tampons for your wife, you will not be taped by the 10:00 news or have your face on the front cover of the Springville Journal. I highly doubt with all the stuff going on in the world that The Editor at the Journal has a reporter on the scene at Springville Walmart just waiting for someone to go to the register and purchase "sanitary napkins". I doubt very highly they are just waiting to "snap" your photo at the check out so they can print it on the front page.
Maybe when they are little boys their Dads give them advice like the advice we got when we were little girls, you know the advice like "don't kiss a boy or you will get pregnant". Now that is great advice. Oh yeah, whatever.
Do they take these little boys out behind a tree or behind the barn and say "Now little Joey, don't ever wash dishes or you will turn gay and you will not be able to join the armed forces.
For God's sake where in the hell does this crap come from?
I got a ton of emails asking what our place looks like and that my directions werent very clear. I am working on better directions, hope to have them on here for you all later.
I have posted some pictures I took yesterday. I took advantage of the good weather we had here in Hooterville.
I have one more sick kid so i gotta make it short and sweet this morning.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I used to spend the night there alot. On one of these occasions, her parents had gone out with instructions to keep the woodstove filled. The living room or "parlor" as it was called had this huge grate in the middle of the floor for the heat to come up from the basement. It was so weird to me. Really weird.
We were goofing around for along time watching TV and crap like that when it started getting really cold in the house.
Crap, we forgot to load that stupid stove.
"I will run down and do it ", I cheerfully chirped. Everyone was afraid of the basement but me. It was one of those old really scary type basements, like the basement where Norman Bates put his mom, you know that type.
I ran down there, filled the stove way too full with whatever i could find and ran back upstairs.
A while later we could smell smoke. She ran in the living room and we could literally see flames coming up from the floor.
"Holy crap Anne, we are really in trouble now" she yelled to me.
We had no idea what to do.
Her sister ran into the kitchen and grabbed a pot of water and threw it down that big old grate to put out the flames.
"Whew, that was a close call"!!!
A few seconds later the room filled up with steam, you couldn't see in front of your face. We all went in the kitchen to get something to eat, it was late and we were hungry after a long night of doing nothing.
After we finished our fried onion sandwiches, we went in the living room to turn off the TV.
"Holy crap Anne, we are gonna be in sooooooooo much trouble!!!"
"The steam from the woodstove has made all Mom's wallpaper peel off the walls."
I looked around the room. OH MY GOD.
The paper was all peeled off, sitting at the bottom of the room very neatly rolled down like someone rewound a movie of someone hanging wallpaper. The walls were bare.
"What should we do Annie?"
"That's a no brainer, just leave the lights off forever, they will never notice."
The next day it took a while but they finally noticed. I couldn't stop laughing. It really looked funny.
It was so funny, I wound up having to paste that darn wallpaper up, took us the whole Sunday, totally ruined the weekend.
Whenever I see someone hanging wallpaper I think of that old house and that crazy old wood stove.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I wanted to take a minute to tell you guys why I am writing this blog.
It was not my idea, I will have to admit that first off. I didn't even know what a blog was until I stumbled on one and started to read it. It was very boring. I never thought I could write such a thing.
forgot about it
My friend Janet kept on me to do something. Write down all the things I have done, seen lived through, and write it in a funny way to make people laugh.
I ignored her.
she kept it up
I wrote one blog story
she called me "I like it, keep it up" "proofreading doesn't kill people, keep it up.
I am very lucky to have been born with a really strange sense of humor. My birthday is on April 1st, which you all know is April fools day, so I guess it just fits.
I have been through some shitty circumstances, deaths, fights, near foreclosures etc. I have lost jobs that have been sent overseas, lost friends, cows, etc. Just like the rest of you have. We all have seen some crappy stuff in our lives. If you live through the crappy stuff and take a look at it and say "Holy shit, that sucked, but I am still here and you know somewhere there is usually a little humor there if you look real hard, real hard.
I was always in trouble since kindergarten, I laughed too much. Way too much. I thought everything was funny and I still do, it's a gift. In my report cards the teachers in first grade wrote "great student, but talks too much in class". I haven't changed in 44 years on this planet.
I just want all of you to be able to take 5 minutes to read a quick story and laugh. You may not understand all the stories, but most of the time you can stand back and say "Holy shit that happened to me, I am not the only one!" and sort of laugh.
No, contrary to popular belief I don't always run around laughing my ass of over everything, I do my fair share of crying, and screaming. Just ask my family they will tell you under oath I am sure.
Just about once a day I will get an email from someone who has read a story and they will say "I remember that", or "I totally forgot about that", those comments keep me going, if I have an audience of just one, I keep writing.
There is alot of crappy stuff in the world, crappy people, just plain old crap. I just want you to forget the crap for a few minutes and enjoy life. Take a few minutes next time something really crappy happens to you and think about how there must be a glint of humor in it. It is really hard sometimes, believe me I know, but try not to take this life so serious, we are only here for a short time, enjoy the ride man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, November 6, 2009
I constantly have people ask me "just where in the hell do you live anyway?"
So I don't have to send so many individual emails here it goes:
The following are directions to my house:
Leave Springville go South, I don't know the name of the road, just head South.
Go for a LONG ways.
When you see a sign that says "Walton's Mountain", take that exit.
You will pass Jedd Clampet out in his yard target practicing
Don't speed or Boss Hogg and Andy Griffith will try to pull you over
If you break down on the way, call Cooter Davenport to tow you, he will have The Dukes of Hazzard give you a ride to my house. They know where it is.
You will see a sign that says Petticoat Junction, keep going, you are getting closer.
When you see Gomer Pyle's gas station, hang a left
you will see a big white house, that is Aunt Bea's place, keep going you are getting close now.
If you get hungry while on the trip, stop at Mel's diner, tell Flo I said "Hi".
go up a steep hill
when you see a sign that says "Willie Nelson for President" you will know you are at my house.
It looks like the house that Loretta Lynn lived in when they did "Coal Miner's Daughter". No, not the one when she was rich, the one when she was dirt poor, you know the one in Kentucky.
The kids will be out back playing with Opie.
I can't wait to see ya!!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
When I was a kid my Mom used to let me stay with some friends who had a dairy farm. I loved it there. I was not from a farm so this was a huge treat for me. They had 10 kids, tons a chickens, and enough work to go around for all of us . It was like heaven to me.
I was raised Catholic, but we didn't go to church every week. I knew the basics and had a real respect for it. Back in the day we had respect for things, we also had FEAR.
My girlfriends mom had the most beautiful flower bed I had ever seen. It had pansys, marigolds, you name it, it was in there I swear. It was in a circular shape and in the middle was a statue of the Mother Mary. It was the most beautiful statue I had ever seen. My mom didn't have one of those.
We used to play kickball, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term kickball, it is a game played outdoors by children. It was invented to keep us outside, way before computer games.
One day my friend says "did you know that if you go in that flower bed you will go to hell?"
"Oh yeah right" I replied.
"Why don't ya go in there then?"
I steered clear of that flower bed. REAL clear.
Unfortunately it was next to the driveway where we played.
One day it happened..........someone kicked the ball too hard and it landed in the flower bed right next to the statue, I forgot myself being caught up in the moment, ran to get the ball and threw it back.
"I can't believe you just did that!"
"You went in that garden dummie!!" You are going to hell now for sure. It was nice knowing you! She walked away like it was no big deal for her for Pete's sake I was the one going to hell not her.
I tried to act like it didn't bother me. I was scared to DEATH!!!!!! I remember finishing the game trying not to look at that statue, surely it would tell on me.
Crap, when would they be coming to take me to hell?
Crap my mom will kill me.
During supper i could barely eat. There was an statue in the dining room of the Infant of Prague. I knew for sure it was looking at me. Just waiting to tell on me. I couldn't look it in the eye either.
I laid awake all night, thinking about what it was gonna be like in hell. Was it really hot there? Does the devil really poke you with a pitchfork all day? I knew for sure if I fell asleep they would come to take me there so I tried not to fall asleep. It was the longest night of my life.
The next morning I remember waking up and looking around. I was still in the bedroom, it didn't look like a firey pit was anywhere to be seen. I looked around the corner in the hallway, surely the devil was waiting out there. Where in the heck was he?
Finally my friend woke up? She looked well rested. I made it through the night, maybe they had forgotten to come and get me. Oh thank goodness.
For the next few days I was really good, I did dishes without being asked, did chores like a super star so that statue could see me.
They never came to get me.
I still have respect for people's things and I still have respect for those statues.
Til this day sometimes I wonder when they are coming to get me.