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OK, so you get the flu and all you want to do is lay in bed.
Your kids instantly turn handicapped.
All you want to do is lay there covered in a warm blanket.
No one can find the cupboards.
No one can find the toilet paper stash.
No one can figure out how to put in a DVD.
You call Karen to grab a loaf of bread on her way home from work.
She is sicker than you are.
Your significant other gets home from work.
For some crazy reason he can't remember where anything is either.
You lay there hoping to God you don't pass on before they do.
Or maybe not?
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so you are in Virginia and you need to find something "touristy" to do with the kids. It is 70 degrees out. You have just come from New York where is was 10 degrees when you left the house.
"Let's do one of those Civil War trails", I pipe up.
"OK, Civil War trail it is", replies my step son.
The next day we all head out for the trail. We have winter boots on and long sleeve shirts, it is 70 degrees out. I forgot my hair gel when I packed so I look like Ursula the sea witch.
We get to the trail and it show pictures of dead people on the map and cannons. The kids think that is what will be on the trail. You know better, but lie to the kids anyway. No one sees the sign that says "This trail will take 60 minutes to walk".
Now whoever wrote that sign was an Olympic athlete with no kids.
We head out on the trail. At first it's fun. It gets hotter and hotter and there are no cannons and dead bodies laying in the woods like the picture showed.
"This sucks", you hear from one of the kids.
"Oh hang in there, I am sure there is a cannon right around the corner".
You try not to act like you are melting, you catch one of the kids dragging your camera in the dirt because they can't carry it anymore.
The trail ends and there is not a drinking fountain anywhere in sight. Hell with water, you need a bottle of wine.
You try to still act like it was a blast and the kids can go and tell their teachers that they actually walked on a Civil War trail.
They couldn't give a rat's ass.
You climb in the fron of the van and your step son pulls out of the parking lot.
You both whisper under your breathe at the same time "Next time, Ixnay on the Civil War trail".
You try not to laugh.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so your significant other tells you he has 3 days off and wants to go on a vacation.
You haven't been on a vacation since Nixon was in office.
Your mind runs wild with ideas.
You picture yourself renting a convertible, buying a set of sunglasses and a fancy scarf and driving to the Grand Canyon like Thelma and Louise.
You picture yourself drinking wine from fancy glasses and smoking those fancy cigarettes with white gloves.
You look up from your dream and you can hear Tim saying "We have to take the kids".
Your mind goes from Thelma to Chevy Chase immediately.
Now the reality sets in. You have to take the kids.
"Sounds like fun", you mumble under your breath.
OK, here are the things I learned on the trip.
1. Don't take kids.
2. Renting minivans is very expensive.
3. Virginia is a long ways from New York.
4. When you return a rental car you have to have it clean, chocolate is very hard to get out of white seats.
5. You need the same amount of days off to re-cooperate from a vaction, three days vacation, three days laying in bed.
6. No one unpacks or cares less about their crap in their suitcases once you return home.
7. When renting a GPS system, get one with loud volume as you will not be able to hear the man talking over your kids screaming in the back.
8. It takes more than 30 seconds to show a 45 year old woman how to turn on the radio, run the heater, and open up the back hatch on a new car.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, I admit it I am addicted to YouTube. When I want to learn something or find something out, I look on YouTube. This week I want to get my haircut, I spent half the day watching videos of people and their hair. People really must have alot of time on their hands.
I finally found the cut I wanted and watched this girl about five times talk about herself.
I gotta go, just got another email, someone just loaded up a new video. I can't get behind. Gotta stay in the loop you know.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so you are reading the paper and you see an article about a funeral.
You look close and you see a picture of an old friend of yours.
He is not the one in the casket thank God, so you give him a jingle.
You call him and catch up on crap.
Great to talk to old friends.
Life is Good,
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so you are all ready to go to church. You have made pens with flowers on them for Valentines day for the ladies at church, you have your bibles in your bookbag, kids dressed and makeup on.
For once you are ready and on time.
All of the sudden this person pulls in the driveway that you think is your friend and starts saying the weirdest things to you.
You try not to let the kids see you are getting upset.
You are getting blamed for doing things you have not done and getting accused of some really weird crap.
You pull away, choking the tears back.
You get to church and sit in the very back. You try not to let the whole congregation see that you are crying.
You make it through church, you even stay for cake and coffee.
In the middle of mass there is a fire call and one of the guys sitting in the next row over runs out of church to go on it.
You think nothing of it.
You get home and find out that the neighbor has died in his driveway.
You are now trying to choke back a double set of tears.
You walk into the kitchen and there sits a box of chocolates and Tulips with a note "Happy Valentines Day Mama".
Now you are crying tears of joy.
You make it through the day, the kids eat all your chocolate and the cat wants to make your new flower his new kitty litter box.
Your sister in law comes to pick up your niece.
"Where is Mr Piggie?"
Crap.
I was supposed to watch her daughter and make sure that this stuffed piggie didn't disappear.
Of course it did.
You take the next 30 minutes looking for the pig. He is finally found in the laundry hamper wrapped in a wet towel.
Everyone leaves.
You light up a cigarette and stare into the darkness.
It will be better tomarrow.
You take one last look at your tulip plant.
Thank you Karen, I love you so much you will never know.
Talk later,
Annie (AKA, Mama)
OK, so I found two used tires for my van. No one wants to put used tires on a van because they all want to sell you new ones.
I don't need new ones, just different ones.
I call this shop down the road and the guy says "Oh, no problem, be here at 8:30 and we will throw them on".
The next day I run down there.
Now I know why I got right in.
The guy has no business because he is so weird.
You walk in and no one acknowledges the fact that you are there.
You ring this greasy bell and no one comes out of the black abyss they call a "shop".
You sit for 30 minutes and finally holler in the "shop" "Does anyone know we are here?"
No answer.
You go back to the waiting room where there is absolutely NO heat.
You look for a TV.
None.
You look for a magazine to read.
You find Guideposts and Time.
You read all the Guideposts and try to stomach the Time.
You holler out once more "Does anyone know we are here?"
This guy wanders out.
"It will only take a minute to do your tires."
It is now 9:30 and your daughter is crawling out of her skin.
She wants to go pee.
You look at the bathroom.
It looks like a place my Mom would NEVER let you pee in.
He drives your car into the shop.
You read more Guideposts.
You put a whole roll of toilet paper on the toilet seat so your kid can pee.
You try not to looked pissed off, but it's getting harder and harder.
There are no other customers in the shop but you.
You read more Guideposts and steal a couple to show your sister that you actually read 30 issues of Guideposts.
Finally at 11:30 the van rolls out of the shop.
You pay the man.
A while later you are driving through town you see this thing that looks like your hubcap rolling down Main Street.
You see this guy walking down the road laughing at you.
The hubcap rolls about a million miles down the road and you are trying to drive slowly and follow it so you can pull over and grab it before the next Walmart semi comes through town and squashes it.
You grab the greasy thing and toss it in the back of the van.
I actually paid someone to put that thing back on my car, I actually had my kid pee on the toilet from hell and I can't move my fingers from reading Guideposts in an office with no heat for 2 and a half hours.
"It's OK", you say to yourself.
"I am beginning to doubt that", yourself replies back.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so to prove a point, I quit smoking for 4 weeks. I don't get the whole "addiction" thing, so in order to prove my point I quit cold turkey.
I have also proved that in a mere 4 weeks it IS possible to gain 10 pounds.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so I get a flat tire in the driveway, I am so excited because it was in the driveway and not on the road.
I go to the Dentist and he tells me I only have to have a few teeth pulled and he can make a partial instead of the whole Dentures.
Some folks would think I am nuts, but this has been a great week.
I am gettin' new teeth and a new tire all in the same week.
Life is good.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so my Dad was talking about Willie Nelson getting busted for having pot on his tour bus and my Dad thought they should just leave him alone.
"He's not hurting anyone".
So I asked "If I got busted for pot, would that be OK?"
"Is your name Willie Nelson?" was the answer I got.
I walked away in silence.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, so your daughter gets stuck in the driveway because the man in your life doesn't feel as though plowing the driveway is very important.
We don't live n Florida.
New York is not Florida.
"I am stuck in your damn driveway!", was the last thing I heard after the slamming of the door.
"Get the cat litter and a small rug", I replied, trying not to get too excited.
"We don't have time to change the cat litter box mom, I have to get out of the driveway".
I went to the barn, got a snowshovel, Karen grabbed the cat litter and a rug".
After about a half an hour of hollering, and putting cat litter and the throw rug under the tires we got her out.
You can either put the throw rug under the tires for traction, or use it to wrap up the person who was supposed to plow the driveway, either way, it's your call.
My Aunt taught me the cat litter trick when I was a kid, in those days the cars were not front wheel drive and she always had a huge bag of it with her. She always carried red lipstick and cat litter.
I guess the lipstick was plan B if you couldn't get yourself out, you went to the nearest house to ask for help and you made sure you had your lipstick on.
I guess it was my turn to show Karen the kitty litter gig.
I think I will sit down today and write my Aunt a little thank you note.
Talk later,
Annie
OK, I will admit it, I have no idea what the heck is going on with clothes these days. I am still stuck in the 80's, which is OK because I think the clothes are coming back in style.
The other day, I was discussing "jeans" with Karen and she tried to educate me, the poor kid.
"Why in the hell do all my sweaters look so short?"
was my first question.
She lit up a cigarette and looked at me with that "do I hurt my mom's feelings" look.
"OK Mom, the sweaters you are wearing are from the 80's and they are really short, you are wearing them with jeans I gave you which are from the 2 thousands. The jeans you wore used to go up to your boobs and so the sweaters were short. Now the jeans are low like they should be and so the sweaters are longer."
I sat there in silence.
"Oh", was my answer.
"And now Mom, everything is stretchy so your muffin top doesn't have to hang over your pants".
"Oh", was my answer.
"Just what in the hell is a muffin top?", I asked trying not to look like I was from another planet.
"For God's sake Mom, it's the fat that hangs over your pants when you wear them too tight".
"Like a cupcake?", was my reply.
"Whatever you want to use for the visual, Mom."
I spent the rest of the morning looking for a measuring tape so I can measure the length of my sweaters and width of my "muffin/cupcake top".
Talk later,
Annie
