The Bar

A few years ago we rented a really nice farm in Dewittville, New York. I was in charge of feeding the calves. We lived in a mobile home on the property and the calves were housed in a nice greenhouse barn about 15 feet from the mobile home. I had made a doctor's appointment for one of the kids so they could have a doctor in the new town. Now it's not like when we were kids, you don't go to the doctor when you are sick you have to go just to "sign up" and be a patient. That never made sense to me but hey what the heck.

One day I was outside in the calf barn feeding calves and practicing posing like a Dixie Chick while no one was looking, when I could see a car coming up the road with flashing lights on . Hmmmm" maybe it's the Mayville police welcoming us to the neighborhood?" "Must be nice folks here" I thought.

I looked up to see a very handsome YOUNG policeman parked in front of the calf barn. He got out of his car and certainly wasn't smiling nor did he have a basket full of fruit to welcome me to town.

crap

"Have you been drinking?" He says to me in the usually policey stern voice that i have heard sooo many times before in my much younger, youthful days.

"Not in about 8 years Sir" "Why?"

He didn't say anything so I thought I better think quick. He sure looked young what is that with the police now. They are not very scarey when they are younger than your own kids.

Being my usual smart-ass self I decided to answer him with an answer just about as stupid as the question he just asked me.

"Hey, if this is your way of asking me out, it only takes me about an hour to feed these calves and I might be able to get a babysitter".

"Real funny lady" no smile nada.

crap

"Where are your kids?"

"In the trailer watching Spomge Bob square pants i guess" I answered.

I took him over to the large window and you could see all my lovely children huddled around the tv watching Sponge Bob.

"Oh so you haven't been out drinking?"

"No".

"O.k." "What's your beef pal" I asked,wanting to know where in the hell we were going with all this. I had to feed calves, it was getting dark and obviously he didn't want to take me out for drinks so I was getting bored with the whole fiasco.

"Well ma'am, it seems as though the secretary from Dr. Burke's office called to make sure you would make the doctor's appointment you had scheduled, and one of your girls answered the phone."

"So the hell what?" was my answer, throwing hay over the calf fence.

"Well it seems there is a little misunderstanding"

"The secretary asked if you were home and your daughter said "No"

she then proceeded to ask your daughter where you were and she said "The Bar"

"Oh you idiot, she said Barn, not Bar." I replied.

"Then the secretary asked when you would be back from the bar and your daughter replied "In about 8 hours i guess"
"Are you home alone"
"yeah we are all home alone watching Sponge Bob"

click.

The police officer actually started laughing. They are trained in police school never to laugh. Makes them look too human.

"O.k lady i gotta go sorry to bother you".

"Hey!" I yelled, "It really only takes about an hour to finish these chores if you want to find a "Bar" in this town.

He probably thought i was some sort of weirdo, for God's sake the kid was younger than my oldest son.

Oh well at least I got to talk to someone.